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2 Easy Steps to Ensure Project Failure

2 Easy Steps to Ensure Project Failure

Are YOU leading a critical project for your organization?

Do YOU want to completely destroy its chances for success?

Do YOU want to crush team spirit and eliminate trust across your entire organization?

Well it’s your lucky day because I have just the thing for you.

Hello! I’m Monica and I’m here to tell you about my new, patent-pending system for obliterating project success in just 2 easy steps. Whether you’re leading an IT project, a construction project or trying to plan an important event, my proven system will ensure you never reach your goal!

Are you ready? Here we go!

Step Number 1: Over commit.

It seems so obvious, but trust me, people overlook the simplicity of this step every day. If you’re setting realistic expectations and having honest conversations with your stakeholders about what’s feasible, then you’re practically guaranteeing project success! Tsk, tsk! Don’t be realistic! Instead, test the bounds of reality and common sense. People love rooting for the underdog, so promise the moon and the stars and unicorns dancing on rainbows! If you follow this first step and simply over commit what you can deliver, your chances of failing completely and destroying trust in the project team will improve dramatically.

Step Number 2: Under Communicate

It’s simple folks, you simply have to provide half-truths. Don’t get into the details of the risks and dependencies of your project! BORING! For goodness sake, people hate bad news and they hate attending meetings even more! Not to mention that no one likes a deputy downer, so  keep on smiling and keep the problems to yourself.  I mean, if it’s meant to happen, it will right? Right.

Mind blown? Yeah, I know.

I’m so sure that my system is 100% effective* and will crush any hopes you have of successfully completing your project, that I’m giving it away to you today ABSOLUTELY FREE!!! That’s right! Call in the next 10 minutes and I will guarantee project failure for just the price of shipping, handling, and what’s remaining of your sanity.

And to think, you were going to waste your money on another project management book. No need to thank me, silly. The look on your face is thanks enough.

As always,

Monica

*Side effects may include joblessness, loss of reputation and the need to choose a new career path. Project Moxie cannot be held liable for your decision to take really, really bad advice from a blog post that is meant to be mildly amusing. Also, this message is not endorsed by PMI at all. Like not even a little bit. In fact, I’m so sure they’d disagree with this approach that they may add these steps to the PMBOK under the heading, “Do Not Follow These Steps!” That’s probably because they like to see projects succeed. Pffft!

 

4 Comments

  1. Who knew it was as easy as this? I guess I’m a dinosaur, still kicking it “old school”, like putting a big ole’ huntin’ knife in front of me on the conference table during project kickoff, and keeping a raccoon in my desk drawer (they’re ALWAYS hungry–they’ll even eat toner! Especially cyan.) and slurring ALL my words. I even slur the words in my project status reports though, admittedly, writing slurred words is slightly more laborious. But hey, so what! It’s more fun than working on the actual project.

    Reply
    • Well you know what they say, right? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Besides, that would totally spur another meeting. Mind if I borrow that raccoon idea?

      Reply
      • Heck, you can borrow a raccoon. I got a couple.

        Reply
        • Awwww, shucks. Thanks, Thom.

          Reply

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